Matt Huston, Get Him Back Forever eBook .pdf
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Get Him Back Forever™ by Matt Huston
Psychological Techniques To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Crawling Back To You
Sometimes it seems as though men are off in their own little world. The lack of
emotional sensitivity, their inability to pick up on the “right” thing to say at the
right time. It can be unbelievably frustrating.
This book is all about demystifying men and giving you a step-by-step blueprint to
getting the man of your affections back (and for good this time). It deals with
strategies you can start applying literally the minute you read about them.
In my opinion, getting your ex boyfriend back will be the easy part. It’s keeping
him “tame” and loyal toward you that is the real challenge. I will go far beyond
simply teaching you to get your ex back and toward the end of this book we will
begin discussing methods and techniques to keep the man in your life under your
With the divorce rate hovering at over 60% in the western world, there is definitely
something happening in our society that wasn’t in the past. I made it my mission to
discover what exactly that change was and how to maintain a fulfilling, long
lasting, loyal relationship within the context of modern society.
As a professional relationship coach for almost eight years now (as of this writing),
I began to pick up on common trends and patterns. I began to see what common
things couples did that lead to their eventual breakup. And later, what common
things couples did to get back together.
Eventually, I succeeded and “cracked the code”. You will reap the benefits of my
quest for relationship success. The fruit of my restless nights, many hours of
research and all my one on one counseling will be bestowed upon you.
This book is not just written from the perspective of a man – but also from the
perspective of many women who successfully got back their boyfriends (and
husbands). I took it upon myself to interview as many women as I possibly could.
You see, I’ve always had a keen interest in male/female dynamics. I talk about it
whenever I get a chance to. What I have discovered as a result is nothing short of
MALE / FEMALE DYNAMICS
Before we get into the “getting your ex boyfriend back” part, I need to take you on
a little journey first. If I just give you the steps without you understanding the core
reasoning behind them, I doubt they would be anywhere near as effective. So let’s
The Masculine Hero
The inner workings of even the most simplistic mammalian brain is not yet
understood, let alone the complex yet subtle differences between the sexes.
In prehistoric times, men and women assumed different societal roles which (even
today) continue to shape their psyche. Men were traditionally the hunters and so
they developed a brain better suited for quickly assessing situations, calculating
speed, tracking prey and mapping. This would explain why modern men flock
toward video games, sports and technical activities such as using computers and
This is also why men need to feel like the masculine hero when in a relationship.
They want to be the protector and provide for his woman and his family. This
behavior is hard wired into the male brain. Indeed, men are at their finest when
they are competing for a woman; but I digress.
This has developed into a male stereotype and is fed to women from a very young
age. For example, Disney movies feed young, impressionable girls the fantasy of a
night in shining armor who comes along and saves/protects the helpless princess.
Although both sexes play into these stereotypes/roles, too often this ideal
masculine image will utterly poison an otherwise healthy relationship. When
women find their man not living up to this ideal image, they will only focus on
what he is doing wrong. Blaming, judging, nagging and generally nitpicking at
everything. Absolutely poisoning and dooming the relationship from the get-go.
Once a man feels as though he is below the role of provider/protector, he will leave
the relationship. Unfortunately, many women force a breakup for this one simple
reason. Once these roles are reversed (polarity shift) the relationship will naturally
Selector vs. Selectee
Men and women have always been “wired” differently from one another. Sure,
there are many similarities, but I don’t think I really have to convince you that
there are vast differences in terms of how our brains function. Differences in what
we are both attracted to on a deep, psychological level.
Traditionally, it is the woman's job to be the selector in courtship rituals.
Scientifically speaking, it’s the male’s job to pursue and the woman’s job to either
accept or reject said advances. It’s literally been like this for all of human history.
Our brains are hard wired to take on these so called “roles”.
Now, obviously this can be a huge advantage for women, if only they would
embrace and accept this concept in its entirety. In many cases this role gets
reversed and a woman will find herself pursuing a man – not the other way around.
Sometimes women will begin to seek her mans approval by dressing overly sexy,
pretending to like or be interested in the same things he is, etc. Think back and try
to remember when exactly the tables turned. By nature of you purchasing this
material, you are now pursuing your ex.
Originally, was it your ex boyfriend who displayed interest in you and pursued
after you? Was he the one working and chasing you? Did you ultimately select
him? I’m willing to wager he was. But something changed along the way;
something that made him lose interest in you.
Your desire for a lasting long term relationship was so overpowering, you valued
that pursuit more than selecting the best possible mate on your terms.
The typical courtship ritual goes something as follows:
The man shows interest and attraction for you. Chemistry starts to kick in and you
“test” him to see if he’s a good fit or not. In essence, you are the selector, testing to
see whether or not he is a good fit for a long term relationship.
To regain control of your failed relationship, you must clearly establish that you are
the selector and he is the one pursuing you. This dynamic must be set back up, else
you will have little success. You need to re-affirm your feminine role as the
selector and not the selectee.
“He who cares least, controls the relationship.”
Remember those words, because right now you care the most, otherwise you
would not be reading this book. And let’s face it, you cannot suddenly turn off your
strong feelings for your ex boyfriend and magically care less. Emotions don’t work
that way (although it would certainly come in handy if they did).
The good news is, there are very specific things you can do to re-affirm your role
as selector again. There are things you can do to drive your man crazy with
jealousy and desire (we’ll get to that in later chapters).
Casual vs. Girlfriend Material
You must never be just a “casual girl” to any man you value. This is for your
benefit as much as it is his. The truth is, there are women men keep around as just
“casual girls” and then there are those who they consider “girlfriend material”.
Kind of like how most all women have men who they just consider friends (and
would never sleep with) and others that they would in a heartbeat. With men, this
phenomenon is not as pronounced.
This may or may not apply to you, but if you are currently still sleeping with your
ex boyfriend, stop immediately. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that just maybe
he will want you back if you maintain your physical connection. You need a
commitment from him. One that doesn’t just involve sex.
How can he ever place value on you if you hardly even value yourself enough to
expect more than just sex? You DO want more than that, otherwise you would
NOT be reading this book.
If you really, no matter what, wanted to get your boyfriend back, you would call
him on the phone and tell him that he could have sex with you, no strings attached
any time he wanted to, anywhere and in whatever manner he wanted. Most men
would accept those terms and you would “have him back” - but that’s not what you
You want his heart. You want him to love and desire you. You want to be pursued
and viewed as a prize; held up proud in front of all his friends.
If you cannot value yourself enough to recognize when enough is enough… he
owns you. And if he thinks he owns you (and this is true for both sexes) he will
walk all over you.
Again: He who cares least, controls the relationship.
I want to drill those words into your head because they ring so true. The
Hollywood, fairytale version of a happy couple simply does not exist (and never
has). Yes, love is alive and a very real emotional state, but you cannot allow
yourself to let that emotion take over your better judgment.
Love is a lot like a drug when you really think about it. You can become so
addicted to a man’s validation that you would literally do anything to get it… just a
little more… more… And then he owns you. And he knows it.
Perceived Value Is Everything In A Relationship
Who wants what they already have? I mean, really think about that.
Of course, that question goes far beyond male-female relationships. If somebody
were to take the internet away from you, TV and other forms of passive
entertainment, you would go nuts! I sure as heck would.
You take them completely for granted. But, if you knew in advance that you were
on the verge of losing them, you would place a heck of a lot more value on those
things. In fact, you would take steps toward keeping them.
So what does this have to do with relationships? Everything. The key to keeping
any man interested, attracted and putting effort into you is to never let him believe
he completely has you, no matter what.
Kind of like when you put a string in front of a cat and let it run around endlessly
chasing after it. Then, when you lay the string down, the cat no longer wants it.
Yes, I can be cruel and I have done this before. :)
You can be loving and you can be caring - but you can never let your man believe
that you are the metaphorical string laying on the floor. Valueless.
Getting your man back, requires you to (in a sense) give him the same feelings you
are experiencing now. You want him to feel rejected by you.
We’ll get into that later…
The Casual Friend vs. Relationship Material
I hear women jokingly say “Oh, men only want one thing” all the time and it really
bothers me when I hear it. It only goes to demonstrate that the women perpetuating
this myth are out of touch with male sexuality.
Let me get one thing straight: yes, men are more fixated on the physical aspect of a
woman, to a certain extent. This is genetic and there is no changing it. However, it
is absolutely not the only thing a man wants out of a relationship. Far from it.
As I mentioned earlier, men do not need a connection to have sex with a woman.
It’s just that physical attraction is the first thing triggered. Men only want sex from
a woman in which he considers “casual”. A woman that can trigger his inner
“Protector Response” will get his connection, love and affection. Women typically
reserve their emotional connection for their children, while men reserve it for a
woman they are compelled to protect.
What category you are put in depends on what behaviors you allow him to get
away with. And don’t think that just because you were once in the “relationship”
category, you’re going to be there forever. A man can very quickly put you in the
casual category and you will stay there indefinitely, until a woman comes along
that leads him into putting her in the “relationship” category.
Men do this on a subconscious level. They are not aware of these categories unless
you point them out to him. If he’s being honest, he will admit it once thinking
Too many women are afraid of their own boyfriend’s disinterest. At our core, we
are all approval seeking beings. We are a social species and it is in our nature to
desire love (and to give love). Women are afraid that if they demand respect, they
will lose their boyfriend. It’s funny and ironic how the opposite is actually true.
To some women, the fear of losing their boyfriend is literally crippling. Maybe
you’re even one of those women. Regardless of what your answer is, you need to
understand the concept of “walking power”.
Understand that if a man assumes that no matter how poorly he behaves, you will
never leave him (walk away from him), he will continue to push your boundaries
until they collapse. And as you now know, women without boundaries have very
little perceived value.
He will leave you when he feels as though he has complete control over you. Or,
keep you around as a “side girl”, “booty call” or whatever you want to call it. I
know that’s not why you bought this book. You don’t want to be that girl.
This is why having solid boundaries is of the utmost importance. You need to be
able to stand your ground and walk away from him if you must. I promise you that
once he knows you are a woman with strong boundaries he will always respect
you, with minimal “testing” on your part.
You cannot show your boyfriend that you are afraid to lose him. With that said, it’s
still perfectly fine (and required) to let him know you care (when in the context of
a relationship). In fact, no relationship will last if he thinks he means nothing to
you. What I’m saying is that you must not become so invested in him emotionally,
that losing him would seem like the end of the world to you.
He needs to know that without him, you would have no problem moving on with
your life. Assume the attitude “I love you, but if we break up, it’s not the end of the
When entering into a long term relationship, you truly need to adopt a mindset that
relationships are finite. Your relationship (in all probability) will not last until death
due you part. Yes, it may, but approaching the relationship accepting things will not
last forever, will actually help achieve the latter. Oh the irony.
You see, when you’re boyfriend broke up with you, you lost your “walking
power”. It happened gradually throughout the course of your relationship. You
were no longer willing to walk away when he did something unreasonable. And
little by little he began to realize that he could pretty much get away with anything
He completely had your heart at this point. This is not a good position to be in if
you’re a woman in a relationship. It’s a debilitating position and you feel helpless.
You know you shouldn’t put up with his BS, but you do anyway, which leads to
what I call Negative Patterns of Behavior.
Negative Patterns of Behavior
Negative patterns of behavior are basically anything you let your boyfriend get
away with that you would otherwise not do for somebody else. In the beginning of
a relationship we tend to “put up” with much more than we are willing to maintain
months down the road.
For this reason, it is far more effective to set your off limit boundaries at the very
beginning of your relationship. If you wouldn’t put up with your boyfriend being
late six months into your relationship, then don’t put up with it one month in.
Catch my drift?
Avoiding negative patterns of behavior is absolutely critical when defending your
boundaries. Once a negative pattern has been established, it is very hard to break.
We humans are creatures of habit; we absolutely hate breaking a comfortable
routine. Especially men.
Your “boundaries” must be set early on within the relationship. In your case, right
after you have him back. Letting your boyfriend blatantly disrespect you will only
cause a pattern of negative behavior to form. He’ll get used to you putting up with
his crap, and expect that sort of passive compliance from you in the future.
Once you finally clue into what’s happening, you will confront him about his rude
behavior, to no avail. He’ll probably even laugh at you. You see, a negative pattern
of behavior has already been established and it will be an uphill battle to break free
This is exactly what happened in your relationship. Negative patterns of behavior
were established early on. When you stopped putting up with these “patterns”,
problems occurred. Arguing, ignoring each other, etc.
For example, if you don’t like your boyfriend treating you differently when he’s
around his friends, then don’t put up with it from the very beginning of your
relationship. It would be dishonest if you let your boyfriend do anything you don’t
like during the “honeymoon phase” of your relationship, only to get angry at him
for doing it later on down the road. Establish your boundaries early on.
If you like going out with just the girls every Tuesday, make sure you do so from
the very beginning. Don’t forego the things you enjoy in the beginning, only to reestablish them at a later date. When you try to re-establish a new pattern of
behavior, your boyfriend will interpret it as you either losing interest in him or
being mean and/or controlling.
If you had set the precedent from the very start, (in a nice, non-aggressive way)
you wouldn’t run into that problem down the road. No negative pattern of behavior
would have been established.
REASONS MEN LEAVE
Let’s clear up one common misconception: He did not break up with you because
of any one thing you specifically said or did. It goes deeper than that. The cause of
a break up is vastly different than the symptoms it produces.
As I’m sure you already know, no man leaves a relationship for no reason at all.
None that I know of anyhow. There is always an underlying cause deeper than is
initially apparent. Like a disease, you cannot simply treat the symptoms, you must
unearth the root cause and remedy that.
Occasionally I will get emails from women wondering why it is necessary to
change something about themselves. They want to remedy their relationship
trouble by changing external factors and completely ignoring (and denying) any
internal issues that are poisoning the relationship.
Lack of Challenge
The most valuable piece of advice ever given to me went something along these
lines: “We value that which we work for.” It rings true for physical possessions as
well as with actual people.
It is truly sad, but he very well may have lost interest in you based solely on your
over-accommodation toward his needs. We value that which we work for, and if he
believes he no longer must please you and making you happy, his perception of
you will change. You will have gone from the selector position to the weaker
People with a sense of low self worth try to “force” others to like them through
being overly accommodating and giving. Now, I’m not saying you should have
been selfish, just that you should keep a mental note as to how much he is actually
pleasing you, and reward him accordingly (see the chapter on punishment/reward).
In a perfect world, this would not be the case. This, however, is not a perfect world
and we must accept reality for what it is.
The real key here is to reward him according to the amount of effort he puts into
the relationship. Remember, men like to chase after a woman. It is the natural order
The universal attraction repellants are neediness, insecurity and validation seeking
Guys tend to view women who are too needy as daughters. They feel as though
they need to take on a father-like role. To a lot of guys (for obvious reasons) that is
If you’re an overly emotional type of woman and tend to pass that emotional
burden onto your boyfriend, he may have called it quits for that very reason. The
emotional burden could have become too much for him to handle.
Personally, I have broken up with a woman for this reason. She claimed to be
strong willed and independent (and at first she was) but she very quickly began
opening up to me; sharing personal stories I wasn’t ready to hear, telling me she
loved me WAY too soon, etc.
I got the impression that there actually wasn’t anything special about me at all. She
chose me not for me but because she was desperate to be loved by another person.
It didn’t matter who that “other” person was: so long as he loved her back. I simply
couldn’t be that person so soon and it really turned me off.
Being Too Rigid And Cold
Like I mentioned before, men by their very nature want to protect you. No man
wants to be with a woman who is “tougher” than he is. It’s just how men are wired.
If a woman seeks to dominate her man, he will become extremely defensive. An
overly tough, rigid woman is tremendously unattractive.
When you emasculate a man, not only will he resent you for it, but you will also
lose attraction for him. Women, much like men, do not want to be with somebody
they have complete and total control over.
I am not suggesting you become a doormat. No self respecting woman wants to go
down that path and very few men want to be around a woman they can walk over.
You simply need to realize that when you try and dominate your man in any way,
this actually pushes him away. It turns him off on a deep emotional level. It
directly challenges his masculinity. Men are hard wired to be competitive – to be
the best – to be the “alpha male”.
The most attractive woman is a woman who is independent, yet has a soft
vulnerable side that needs “protecting”. Your man wants to protect you. On a deep
psychological level, he is hard wired to instinctively defend the woman he chooses
as a long term mate. It’s been like this throughout all of human creation/evolution
(depending on your particular views).
Remember, there is a distinct balance to be had when it comes to being too
vulnerable (needy) and too tough and rigid. Find and strike this balance and your
man will melt in your arms.
When some women (you know who you are) get into relationships, they start to view
their man as property. They will attempt to control who their boyfriend is with, ask him
where he is at 24/7 and generally act very controlling. This is the completely wrong
attitude to have. You see, women who attempt to control their man are really doing so
from a place of insecurity.
Perhaps they feel threatened by other women, or they want his attention focused solely on
them and not on “the guys”. In any case, this behavior is needy, weak and comes from a
place of insecurity. It demonstrates to your boyfriend that you are threatened, and only
low value women feel threatened.
Examples of how women unnecessarily control their man:
• Insist he not go to any events without her present.
• Follow their boyfriend around and generally hover over him while at these
• Try to stop him from hanging out with “the guys”.
• Ask him a million and one questions:
• “Where were you last night?”
• “Who was that woman I saw you talking with before?”
• “Who are you hanging out with this weekend?”
It is understandable that you should want to be around the man you love, but try to
understand that overtly attempting to force loyalty will only result in the opposite
“She who is the least controlling, controls the relationship.” Write that out one
hundred times if you have to.
Jealous and controlling behavior go hand-in-hand. This is because when feeling
jealous, women will often try to control the situation in an attempt to make those
feelings go away.
The cold, hard truth is that nothing kills relationships more so than jealousy. Hands
down, bar none. Jealousy stems from a place of fear and insecurity. In other
words, it turns you into a weak, sad, emotional wreck. I cannot stress to you
enough how poisonous jealousy can be.
In fact, when faced with the option of either acting jealous or doing nothing, do nothing.
No amount of insecure complaining on your part will ever keep him from looking at
other women, hanging out with his friends and so forth.
If you place a significant amount of importance on yourself, you won’t be acting
jealous to begin with. You simply will not feel threatened in that way.
You need to adopt the attitude that since you’re such a great catch, other women
will only make you look good.
Having a relaxed, unworried attitude communicates to your man that you are the
selector. You are so secure in yourself that you would never even think to view
other women as threats. Additionally, it communicates that you trust him;
something both women and men alike place a significant amount of importance on.
“If she doesn’t trust me even when I’m loyal, I may as well go ahead and do it
anyway” is what he’ll be thinking. After all, what does he have to lose?
If you believe your boyfriend is trying to intentionally make you jealous, you
should consider the possibility he is not emotionally mature enough for a real long
term relationship to begin with.
You are “clingy” when you over stay your welcome. Like every “relationship
killer”, clinginess also comes from a place of insecurity. No surprise there.
Spending time apart is a very important aspect of maintaining a healthy
relationship. The feeling of butterflies and knots in your stomach will quickly
vanish if you smother each other. Your boyfriend doesn’t want you to be glued to
him every single day, day in and day out. It doesn’t mean he’s a horrible person; it
simply means he’s human.
The concept of supply and demand is alive and well when applied to human
relationships. Take diamonds for example: diamonds are valuable because they are
rare. If you could walk outside your house and pick up a handful whenever you
wanted them, they would be completely worthless. Common sense, right? Well,
yes, but not when applied to relationships. For most women who fall in love, the
urge to be around their significant other is unbearable. Common sense goes straight
out the window. You need to control that urge, and give him space.
Did you know that diamonds are actually a lot more plentiful than most people
think? The supply of diamonds is artificially controlled by the market. They know
that if they let a flood of diamonds into jewelry stores, their value would drop
dramatically. Suddenly, we would no longer view diamonds as valuable because
they are so plentiful; much like we place extremely little value on common rocks.
In the beginning phase of a relationship, the more time you spend with your lover,
the stronger the bond between you grows. This is an important phase, but it only
lasts for so long.
I must sound like I’m contradicting myself here. Here I am telling you that you can’t be
glued to your man 24/7 and yet the more you are around somebody, the stronger your
Let me explain:
If you have a boyfriend and you suddenly cut off all contact with him and see him
twice a week, you’re going to sabotage the relationship. He will assume you no
longer care about him, and thus begin searching for a more suitable mate. The goal
here isn’t to ignore him and come across as cold hearted.
Like many of the concepts explored here, you need to find balance. I’d recommend
quality time spent with your boyfriend a few times per week. Remember: quality
over quantity is key.
The main goal of making yourself more scarce is so you can focus on quality time
over quantity. Making yourself scarce and spending little amounts of low quality
time with your boyfriend is even worse than lots of low quality time. I’ll say it
again: focus on quality over quantity.
I’d actually recommend spending lots of quality time with your boyfriend, but I
don’t because I know it’s unreasonable and for the most part unattainable. You
would experience burnout and naturally start to lower the amount of quality time
you spend together, increasing the amount of low quality time. It’s human nature
and there is no way around it. Therefore, it is much more effective to focus on a
moderate amount of quality time.
Remember, when I say to be scarce, I don’t mean disappear; I mean keep it within
moderation. If there were a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being completely scarce and 10
being around him constantly, 4 - 6 is where you would want to be.
The harsh reality of relationships is that two people become so comfortable with
one another that they basically stop trying. There is no more “thrill of the chase” or
sexual tension. They begin to take each other for granted and thus begins the
collapse of a once “magical” attraction for one another.
Both men and women are always comparing their mate to other potential prospects
all the time. Even if only on a subconscious level. When your man begins to
assume you will always be around, he loses his motivation and urge to compete for
Men are genetically hard wired to compete for the best possible mate.
As a woman, the “trick” to keeping a man loyal and happy in the long term, is to
always have him thinking in the back of his mind “I better stay on top of my game
or I just might lose her to another man…”
The typical story I hear constantly goes something as follows:
“Things were great in the beginning Matt, but then she started to let herself go.
She was always flirty toward me in the beginning, laughing at my jokes and being
all ‘touchy feely’ with me. Then all that affection gradually went away until there
was no more ‘magic’ left. It was just all boring routine. Nagging, bitching….”
That was an actual conversation I had with a male friend of mine a few weeks ago.
He ended up breaking up with her, saying “we’re just not a good fit anymore.”
Let’s face it, women (and men as well) let themselves go as the novelty of a new
relationship wears off. Men have egos and they have as big of a craving for
validation as you do.
You need to regain your value and establish yourself as the high value woman you
once were in his eyes. Yes, there are specific techniques for doing this and I will
delve into them in later chapters.
For now, I want you to think about the woman you were when you first entered
into your relationship and the woman you eventually became. Really think about it
and be honest with yourself.
What changed? Did boring routine take over and you stopped caring about the way
you looked? Did you pick fights with each other over seemingly insignificant
things? I’m willing to bet there was definitely a large element of changed patterns
The Variables That Changed
Think back (long and hard) to the beginning of your relationship. Specifically what
things changed within the relationship? Your behavior, your attitude, your physical
appearance, etc. There were specific reasons your ex boyfriend was once drawn to
you and specific reasons he chose to leave you and end the relationship. In the vast
majority of cases, the above reasons are the main variables that changed within the
relationship. Often times it will be a number of the above factors.
Most women will sit around thinking about what they have said, or what they have
done in order to push him away. They dwell on all the little things that really don’t
add up to much. The symptoms and not the root cause.
Perhaps your relationship ended during a heated argument. You said hurtful things
and so did he. You continuously think back and say to yourself “maybe if I had just
said this or done that and never said _______.” It wasn’t the heated argument that
actually ended the relationship. It wasn’t the underlying reason leading up to the
It was merely an excuse to end things for a set of completely different reasons.
Focus on the actual underlying cause. The things that fundamentally changed from
the beginning of the relationship all the way to the end. Isolate these variables and
you will effectively be able to move things in the right direction.
Does that title scare you? If so, you above all others must pay particularly close
attention to the next few paragraphs.
There is no point in me sugar coating my words and tip toeing around my point so
I’m just going to blurt it out: DO NOT INITIATE CONTACT WITH YOUR EX
BOYFRIEND FOR A MINIMUM OF THREE WEEKS. There are no
exceptions to this rule. You must not be the one to initiate contact with him, but it
is perfectly fine if he contacts you first. There is a scientific, physiological basis for
this and I will explain it shortly. It will all make sense and you’ll have one of those
Why the need to not initiate contact with your ex boyfriend?
The “no contact rule” is a mechanism we use to accomplish three things:
It prevents you from acting needy and insecure around your ex boyfriend. As
you already discovered, neediness and insecurity are attraction killers when it
comes to any relationship.
II. It instills a fear of loss within him. Not contacting him pushes him away and
makes him wonder why. He will essentially become intrigued and start
wondering if you have moved on with another man. Humans only realize
something’s value when it is gone, in most all cases.
III. It gives you the opportunity to soak in as much information from my material
You see, no matter what you do or how hard you try, when you’re around your ex
boyfriend you will sub-communicate insecurity and neediness. At least at first you
will. It doesn’t even matter how hard you try not to; it will come through in some
way or another.
Even if you don’t verbally say you miss your boyfriend and want him back or that
you’re hurting inside, he will pick up on your feelings through your body language.
That’s not a bunch of BS either. Body language is powerful stuff.
Much of this course will be about both actually ridding yourself of insecurity and
neediness as well as some tricks and gimmicks to make yourself appear a lot less
insecure and needy than you really are. Even if you feel horrible inside, I will at
least give you the appearance that you are doing perfectly fine without him.
Thus reversing the feeling of rejection as much as humanly possible.
Don’t Be His Emotional Support
After a break up, some men will use their ex girlfriend either as a means to get
over the break up and heal himself or merely a means to have sex. This is
obviously not what you want.
By not contacting him and making yourself scarce, you are forcing him to heal on
his own. You’re also depriving him of any sex, which you should never give unless
he’s willing to commit to an actual relationship anyway.
The bottom line is that you won’t be around to support him and be sensitive,
accommodating and giving. You are forcing him to be lonely and face reality
without you. There will be no easing out of being in a relationship with you.
Your instincts may tell you that by being around him and supporting him
(emotionally) will only draw you back together. Nothing could be any further from
the truth. This will only help his healing process while hurting yours. Essentially
he will unintentionally be leeching off you. I guess you could even consider him an
emotional vampire: sucking the happiness from you and substituting it with
jealousy, hurt and shame.
If He Contacts You
It’s very likely that your ex boyfriend will actually initiate contact with you over
the course of these 20 - 30 days, provided you follow my plan exactly as outlined.
This is especially true if he starts really feeling a fear of loss and begins to place
value on you once again. It will be his natural instinct to reach out and contact you.
This is a very good sign and while not at all necessary, definitely will make things
a lot easier for you at later stages of this plan.
Rule number one here is not to be rude, angry or act depressed around him. If he
comes in to visit you at work or calls you on the phone, act happy and cheerful.
Acting in this manner will demonstrate higher value on your part. Basically, he will
wonder why you’re not acting miserable and rotten. This will intrigue him and
again make him feel an even stronger fear of loss (as you appear to have moved on
before he has).
When your ex contacts you:
Make small talk with him.
Let him lead the conversation (for the most part).
Act cheerful and happy but don’t come across as desperate to talk with him.
End the conversation first (if it’s a phone call) after about 10 minutes. Be
polite and say “I’m heading out with a friend but I’ll give you a call later”.
Make sure you don’t come across as bitter when you say this.
Take your time to call him back. Don’t be too eager and make sure you wait
about a day or a day and a half.
If you run into him in person, make small talk for 10 minutes and then say
something along the lines of, “Well it was nice talking with you, but I have
to finish doing _________.” Again, be cheerful about it. Being cheerful
demonstrates security and gives the impression that you’ve accepted the
The “no contact rule” doesn’t mean your ex boyfriend can’t contact you. It’s a very
good thing when he is the one initiating contact first, but only if he is the one doing
the initiating. The important thing to remember is that under no circumstances will
you be the one initiating contact with him first.
What not to do in a nutshell:
• Act angry.
• Act depressed and sad.
• Act rude and treat him poorly.
• Brag about how many guys are hitting on you. This will obviously come
across as a lie and lower your value in his eyes.
• Bring up anything about the relationship at all.
• Ask if he’s dating or sleeping with anyone.
• Ask/beg him to give the relationship “another shot”.
It’s very likely that over the next few weeks, your ex will contact you. In fact,
many of my students have only applied the No Contact principal and have
experienced dramatic success with it. This is largely due to the fact No Contact
forces your ex boyfriend to realize your value. You can’t value something that’s
always been there to its fullest extent.
Again, I’d like to reiterate that it is important that you act rather cheerful, cool,
calm and collected when he contacts you. No acting depressed! Period.
Let the conversation unfold and basically talk about positive things that have
nothing to do with your relationship. Let him lead the conversation and do most of
the talking. If he brings up anything about the relationship then it’s safe to enter
into that line of discussion. As long as you’re not the one bringing it up, you’re AOK.
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve heard from women who followed the No
Contact rule and had their ex boyfriends call them weeks later, asking if they
would give the relationship another shot. All they did was sit around and not
initiate contact with their ex. Pretty simple.
Three Weeks = Peak of Loneliness
The “loneliness peak” occurs after about three to four weeks after a breakup. He
will feel his most vulnerable and lonely at this time. It will take great effort on his
part not to contact you. In most cases, provided you stick to the rest of this plan, he
will be the one contacting you. If he doesn’t then that is still fine, but you will be in
a much better position if he is the one initiating contact with you.
After three to four weeks have passed, it will be much more effective for you to
contact him at this point. He will be lonely and most likely thinking good thoughts
about you. He will be reminiscing about the good times you had together while
you’ll be concentrating on only the bad. The balance of power will have turned and
he will be the insecure one while you’re not.
If He Does Not Contact You
Since the loneliness peak occurs at three to four weeks, it is safe for you to contact
him at this point. In the majority of cases he will contact you first. If not, I
recommend waiting a minimum of three to four weeks. This really depends on how
low he perceived your value to be before the breakup. In extreme cases you should
wait even longer.
If you have to contact him, you will chat with him as though he is an old friend.
Again, I reiterate that there is to be no hint of desperation, depression or neediness
on your part. You must come across as though you are perfectly fine with the
breakup. Act like you realized the breakup was actually the best thing for the both
I recommend that you tell him, when you initiate contact, that you believe the
breakup was definitely for the best and that it would be a shame to throw away
such a great friendship.
“I just wanted to tell you that you were right… The breakup was definitely for the
best. It would really be a shame to throw away our friendship though. How about
we go out for a coffee? We can work on being friends again, no hard feelings.”
It’s very important that you maintain a platonic vibe of being friends. Again, this is
to instill a fear of loss within him. Remember that we value most that which we do
not have. I will talk more about the importance of the platonic friend vibe in later
Regardless of whether he contacts you or not, you will use your friendship as a
means to sneak in under the radar and present to him the new, confident, less needy
you. You will use your position as a friend to re-build attraction and value.
Some Possible Objections
So what if you’re in a situation where you cannot possibly “not contact” your ex
boyfriend? Maybe you work with him, you have a kid with him, you live together,
etc. What the heck do you do then?
Basically it’s all in how you behave in these circumstances. You don’t want to
come across as insecure or childish by acting angry, jealous or all out ignoring him.
However, you do want to keep contact with your ex to a minimum.
If you live together, make sure you go out with friends a lot. Don’t bring other men
back to the house just to make him jealous since this will probably hurt your
chances of getting him back. He’ll end up bringing a girl back and it’ll end up
turning into a vicious cycle of games. Stay away from that.
Basically, you want your ex to initiate the conversation most of the time. You don’t
want to look like you’re ignoring him because that’s also insecure. You want to act
happy and cheerful, like you’re completely fine with the breakup and you have
moved on. Let him lead the conversation and put in most of the work when
conversing with you. Again, don’t ignore him; just let him do most of the work.
Think of it as living with a male roommate. In fact, use this forced contact to your
advantage by dressing the best you can without looking like you’re actually trying.
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