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James Bauer, Be Irresistible eBook .pdf



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Autor: Be Irresistible, What Men Secretly Want

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Be Irresistible

1

James Bauer
Complete Be Irresistible Course

2

Not Medical Advice

Nothing on this website constitutes, or is meant to constitute professional advice
of any kind. If you require advice in relation to any legal, financial, psychological,
or medical matter you should consult an appropriate professional.
Be Irresistible offers content on the topic of relationships and dating for
entertainment purposes. As our products are for entertainment purposes only,
they are NOT to be considered as legal, medical, psychological or professional
advice
By purchasing our products or using our website, you must agree that James
Bauer is NOT providing you with any medical or psychological counsel.

3

Table of Contents
Step one: Be Irresistible ............................................................................................................................. 6
Emotional Attachment to Outcomes Rather than People ........................................................................ 7
Why Men Run Instead of Working Things out Early in the Relationship .................................................. 7
What Makes “That Cool Girl” Cool to Men? ............................................................................................. 9
What Is a Valued Direction, and How Can It Help Me with Dating?....................................................... 10
Become the Sort of Person You Want to Draw into Your Life ................................................................ 15
Why Men Experience Relationships Differently ..................................................................................... 15
Cultivating Magnetic Attraction: ............................................................................................................. 17
Regain Your Confidence .......................................................................................................................... 17
Be Here and Now .................................................................................................................................... 20
Cultivate an Abundance Mindset............................................................................................................ 24
Deep Listening......................................................................................................................................... 28
The Art of Intrigue and Balanced Pursuit ................................................................................................. 29
Balanced Pursuit ..................................................................................................................................... 32
How Balanced Pursuit Looks in Real Life ................................................................................................ 35
Where to Meet Quality Men Worth Dating ............................................................................................. 38
Get Specific to Increase Your Propinquity with the Right Kind of Guy ................................................... 41
Meet Your Avatar .................................................................................................................................... 43
Markers of a Quality Venue .................................................................................................................... 46
Places and Situations to Avoid ................................................................................................................ 50
How to Use Internet Dating Sites without Getting Used by Internet Dating Sites .................................. 53
Generating the Spark of Interest ............................................................................................................ 54
Your Picture............................................................................................................................................. 55
Your Headline.......................................................................................................................................... 57
Fan the Flames ........................................................................................................................................ 59
Why Facebook Can Beat Online Dating Sites .......................................................................................... 68
Capturing His Attention ............................................................................................................................ 72
Eye Contact ............................................................................................................................................. 75
What’s Your Name Again? ...................................................................................................................... 77
How to Handle the First Date ................................................................................................................... 79
What's he thinking? ................................................................................................................................ 81
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Yeah, but is he into me? ......................................................................................................................... 82
What should I talk about on the first date? ............................................................................................ 83
What to wear .......................................................................................................................................... 87
Why didn't he call?.................................................................................................................................. 87
Be Irresistible and All Else Will Follow .................................................................................................... 91

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Chapter One
Step one: Be Irresistible
You and I are now on the same team. My part will be to expose your mind to
concepts and new perspectives. Your part will be to ponder these concepts long
enough to see how you could bend them to your particular situation and
personality. Of course, the other critical ingredient is action. Please take action by
applying what you learn. Much of what you learn will be immediately useful, but
other aspects of what you learn will become more useful with practice.
I would like to invite you to begin the process of taking action now. Before you
continue reading this book, find some form of journal to log your insights as you
go through this material. By writing in your own words, you will be engaging the
powerful effect of active processing. Active processing enhances your memory
and allows this information to become a part of you. As the information becomes
a part of you it becomes accessible in real-time as you live your life.
With your permission, I will aim for more than a simple transmission of ideas and
concepts about dating. If you become a willing participant in this process, I will
help you to develop a new kind of beauty that draws more than just healthy
relationships into your life.
There is something beautiful and good in satisfying relationships. At the core of
our being we find meaning in life through relationships. I have met more than a
few people with deep sadness after a lifetime of pursuing financial or personal
success, only to find in the end that no one is there to celebrate it with them. The
success loses its luster outside of the context of the deep meaning and purpose we
draw from close relationships. Relationships matter. More than anything else in
life, relationships matter.
It is because of this goodness in relationships that you may find the following to be
confusing. Many women bring pain and emotional hardship into their lives
because of the pursuit of satisfying relationships. The problem is not the
relationships themselves, but rather a very common pitfall that emerges in the
process of pursuing a relationship.
6

Emotional Attachment to Outcomes Rather than People
In the process of pursuing a satisfying relationship with a man, many women
unconsciously and automatically find themselves shifting into an unsatisfying and
emotionally destabilizing state. The cause is rooted in our instinctual pattern of
connecting our emotions to things we desire. We can call this “attachment.” We
become attached to things we desire. This is natural, but it comes with significant
consequences. Consequences I would like to see you overcome.
In a nutshell, the problem is that many women accidentally slip into an
unconscious mindset in which they are pursuing a certain kind of relationship in
order to become happy, rather than becoming happy as a method for attracting
positive relationships. Am I saying you are not happy? No. But you would not be
reading these words if you were already happy with the relationship you are in.
And this is where things get interesting. I'll explain. Just stick with me for a
moment while I point out a few other things you already know.
Men are not as comfortable with talking about their emotions or their relationships
as women are. As early as age six you can find groups of young girls sitting crosslegged in a circle during recess, practicing the art of communicating about feelings.
At that very moment, you can shift your attention across the playground to see a
group of boys all working together to accomplish some sort of “mission” like
getting the basketball through the hoop or building the biggest pile of rocks
possible with the pebbles around the playground.
Our genetic and cultural differences are self reinforcing, yielding a lifetime of
training for two different tendencies when it comes to dealing with emotions. Men
are conditioned to suppress emotions in pursuit of “the goal,” and women are
conditioned to open up and learn about emotions in ourselves and others. This
difference in training and genetic tendency does not suddenly disappear when we
begin to seek out an ideal partner of the opposite sex.

Why Men Run Instead of Working Things out Early in the
Relationship
Men are mission focused to a degree that most women underestimate. At the root
of all missions is a desire for happiness. People cannot often easily articulate this

7

fact, but questioning any purpose long enough eventually gets back to the root
issue, which is the pursuit of happiness.
There are many things that men look for in women, but research has surprisingly
shown that an upbeat, optimistic and positive attitude, with energetic enjoyment of
life, is the number one reason cited by men regarding their choice to pursue a
serious relationship with a woman. Think about it. Does this make sense? Men
are attracted to women who are enjoying life and having a good time. Men freak
out and often bolt when women engage in tearful explanations of how male
actions have left them feeling emotionally hurt in some way.
For men, the relationship is a moment-by-moment experience. They can and do
eventually desire commitment and deeper meaning in relationships, but getting to
that point can be difficult if you do not understand their perspective. They don’t
look for meaning and significance in the relationship nearly as early as women do.
As a result, even mild negative feelings from early interactions can cause them to
drop their pursuit.
Do you see where these two different mentalities clash? Women have a certain
kind of relationship in mind. When men do things that do not support the
development of that special kind of relationship, women’s emotions naturally
become negative in tone and expression. Men sense the negative emotions and end
up shutting down or becoming distant rather than working on the emotions that
arise. This brings up even more expression of hurt and frustration for a woman.
At this point, men start doing those childish things like ending the relationship and
telling their buddies, “Turns out she was crazy.”

8

New relationship is
attempted

Woman ends up in
negative emotional state
that causes man to
question his involvement

Man avoids processing
emotions or seems to
lack depth in the way he
communicates

Man pulls away and
becomes distant or
childlike

Woman increases
demand for emotions to
be processed

What Makes “That Cool Girl” Cool to Men?
Now let's backtrack for a moment. A few paragraphs ago I was telling you there is
a problem with the way women commonly go about pursuing relationships with
men. Often that problem does not manifest until a point in the relationship when
you want to have that “defining us” type discussion. I’ll explain why that so often
goes sour with men later on. At other times the problem manifests on the level of
attracting interest and attention in the first place. I’ll illustrate this situation to give
you a sense for what I’m talking about:
Jenny has always been “that cool girl,” that the guys always want
to have around because, “she’s just cool. You know?” Or at least
that’s the shallow response you would probably get from most
guys if you asked them why they like her. Vanessa, on the other
hand, is envious of the way men respond when Jenny enters a
room. They all seem to perk up and relate to her on a level that
seems genuine, inviting, and enthusiastic. For Vanessa, it’s a
totally different feeling. It’s not that they don’t notice her. She’s
physically attractive and anyone watching can tell men notice
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this. But they approach her with an agenda that feels forced.
The men don’t seem to relate to her in a genuine way. There's a
fake quality to men's advances that leaves her feeling like an
outsider.
What is it about Jenny? The simplest answer would be to say she simply doesn't
seem to have an agenda. She doesn't show up looking for a relationship. She
doesn’t show up looking for affirmation that she is special. She shows up to have
fun. Paradoxically, this has the men lining up for their chance to be the one to date
her.
If you are irritated by the idea that having “fun” needs to replace efforts at having a
mature relationship with men, you are not alone. Why should you stoop to their
level? Why can’t guys just grow up and see the value and importance of the one
thing that matters more than anything else in their lives? I don’t blame you if you
feel this way, but having “fun” may not be quite as shallow as it sounds.
Let’s talk about how Jenny is able to generate this “fun” mindset about interactions
with men. See if there is a way you can use this same mindset to your advantage?
Here's how she makes the mental shift. She swaps out all of her relationship
outcome desires with whole-life valued directions.

What Is a Valued Direction, and How Can It Help Me with
Dating?
To do this well, you need to get to know yourself in terms of your personal valued
directions. Valued directions are different from goals and outcomes because they
have no end. Running the mile in six minutes is an outcome. Pursuing fitness
throughout my life is a valued direction. If I get hit by a car and lose my ability to
walk, I can still pursue my valued direction of being the healthiest person I can be.
However, my goal of running a mile in less than six minutes will never come into
fruition under those circumstances. As a result, life directions tend to create more
emotional stability than goals or objective outcomes.
Valued directions are things you would still care about on your deathbed. If you
knew today was your last day on earth, you would still pursue your valued

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directions. They are not outcomes. Outcomes are things we seek with an end in
mind.

Valued Directions

Goals and Desires

Part of what makes you who
you are.

Goals support your efforts to
achieve something specific.

Stable source of motivation
and purpose.

Offers temporary guidance on
where to focus your energy.

If you learn to define yourself based on a set of valued directions, you will find a
sense of peace and enjoyment that tends to be fleeting when we are focused on
outcomes. This is especially true when it comes to relationships.
Vanessa enters the dating scene with a very specific outcome in mind. What
happens to Vanessa’s spontaneity and enjoyment of dating when each action,
situation, or circumstance is focused on a short-term outcome like getting a guy to
like her? She becomes a little bit fake and a little bit uptight. By focusing on a
desired outcome (getting asked on a date) she misses the opportunity to attract the
right kind of guy. The men who want a deep, mature, and satisfying relationship
with a woman have sensors up to detect which women are playing a game and
which women are living life to the fullest. Vanessa will not be her relaxed, most
genuine, fun-loving self so long as she is focused on the outcome of getting asked
out on a date. The internal experience she creates gets reflected in the external
experience she has with men. We tend to draw interactions that reflect our internal
state.
What if we could convince Vanessa to approach her next interaction differently?
What would happen if she taught herself to refocus her mind on valued directions?
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Besides feeling more relaxed with a group of men (or just one man), the most
important outcome would be that she automatically puts her best and most genuine
qualities into motion.
For example, one of Vanessa's valued directions has always been to invest in
people by treating them well and trying to bring out the best in them. What would
happen to Vanessa's approachability factor if that mindset was rising to the surface
with every thought she expressed and every motivation she brought to a date with
Jake? She would naturally find questions emerging in her mind about Jake. Those
questions would emerge from a genuine desire to know him and appreciate him for
who he really is. Vanessa would not feel as self-conscious because her thoughts
would be focused on Jake's well-being rather than some kind of relationship-based
outcome.
Both of the mindsets in the diagram below represent attempts to move in the same
direction, toward a positive and engaging relationship with attraction and passion.
One method works better than the other and makes dating more enjoyable in the
process.

Will we become
lovers?

• Yields anxiety about who he is
and how he sees you.
• Creates emotional sensitivity to
any sign of rejection, focuses you
on goals and stifles creativity.

How can I enjoy you • Your unique personality shows
up.
for who you are and • His experience of being in your
this moment for
presence is warming and
what it is?
engaging.

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Now let me expand on this concept a little more. One of Vanessa's other valued
directions happens to be working toward peak physical fitness. She truly values
fitness for its own sake, not just because of how it will make her physique appear
to others. What happens to Vanessa's prospect of hitting it off with Jake if she
invites Jake to jog with her and a group of several other male and female friends
twice a week at a local jogging trail?
One of two things is likely to happen. She may learn that Jake really isn't
interested in physical fitness, in which case he may not be the best kind of person
for her to establish a long-term relationship with. This may be a painful thought,
but only if you are obsessing about a particular relationship outcome rather than
the life directions that will naturally bring about better versions of those same
outcomes. After all, we don't want Vanessa to bend who she is to fit in with a guy
that may or may not turn out to be right for her as she gets to know him more. By
pursuing her valued directions, Vanessa will naturally attract the kind of man that
will be the optimal partner for a life well lived in the context of rich relationships.
Now consider this. The other way the situation could go is that Jake might respond
with enthusiasm, telling Vanessa that he hasn't found a buddy to jog with since
moving to the area two years ago. By bringing her valued directions with her
(meaning she keeps her value directions at the forefront of her mind), Vanessa
naturally reveals aspects of who she really is. This one benefit alone has
tremendous value in breaking down the awkward, useless-type small talk that often
dominates a first date or initial interaction.
How do valued directions fit in when it comes to relationships themselves?
Well, the principal behind value directions in the context of dating is to remain
focused on your true values and desires so that your actions naturally move you
toward the things that matter most to you in life. This remains the same regardless
of which area of your life we are talking about, relationships included.
Valued directions remove fear. By calling your valued directions to mind you
clearly see the direction you need to go. They allow you to see the specific actions
you can take in the present moment to move in the right direction. Valued
directions do not work well if they're focused on feelings. “I want to feel happy” is

13

not a valued direction. Happiness is a by-product that will naturally arise as a
result of pursuing things that bring deep meaning to your life.
Think about it. If I'm feeling lost and confused about what to do next, and I bring
to mind what I thought was a valued direction (I want to feel happy), I will not
have any sense of direction other than what I already had in my mind.
Contrast that with a valued direction like, "I will always seek ways to bring
goodness into the lives of myself and others." This kind of valued direction almost
always yields an immediate barrage of thoughts and ideas regarding both simple
and complex ways in which you can work toward bringing goodness (in all its
forms) into someone's life. It may be something immediate you can do, or it may
be a renewed resolve to persist in the pursuit of a long-term benefit. Either way,
this kind of valued direction is focused on going toward something, and the actions
that will help you go toward it naturally reveal themselves when you contemplate
your valued direction.
So let's go back to the party where Vanessa and Jenny first met up when we began
discussing their differences. We sent Vanessa to a valued directions boot camp,
and she came back with about seven valued directions for different areas of her life
that she now has firmly implanted in her memory. She's feeling the same awkward
distance as always due to the knee-jerk habits she's established for these kinds of
situations over the past several years. But this time, something is different.
Feeling unsure of what to do next, she references her valued direction that relates
to all forms of relationships. Hers just happens to be, "Love people and find the
best in them."
She contemplates what this means for the current situation. She realizes that she
had begun the old process of increasing self-consciousness and mild irritation at
the work involved in finding a man she can click with. She chooses to dismiss the
outcome which she had previously been mentally attached to. She simultaneously
refocuses her purpose on finding things to love about the people in the room
around her. She focuses on looking for things in these people she can draw out of
them in pursuit of her valued direction of finding the best in them.
Suddenly, she feels more relaxed about approaching Tim, who was sitting on the
arm of a couch and smiling but not saying much. Because her motivation for
14

‘approaching Tim is something she's proud of, she doesn't feel the typical
hesitation in asking him about who he is and what he loves about life. He will
sense how natural and relaxed she feels as she asks him what he does for fun and
what he hopes to do in the future. It feels natural and he senses this and responds
to it by bringing his own genuine qualities to the interaction. It doesn't take too
many of these types of interaction before the phone is ringing off the hook every
weekend.

Become the Sort of Person You Want to Draw into Your Life
Develop your valued directions. Replace relationship outcomes with valued
directions which will naturally showcase the kinds of qualities that will attract men
to you. You are unique. You are special because of the things that you care about
and the things about this life that you enjoy and find beautiful.
When you wear these things on your sleeve and contemplate them and let them
direct your actions and choices, you will naturally draw people to yourself who
have similar interests and desires and values. The outcome is miraculous. This is
just how life is. The things you persistently focus on within your own mind have a
way of showing up all around you.
Remember the adage, “If you want to have a good friend, you must first be a good
friend?” Think about the kind of guy you would be attracted to. Would he be
someone who is focused on a relationship outcome like “I want to find a wife,” or
would he be the kind of guy who wakes up thinking “Today I will look for the
beautiful things in life, in people and in the adventures that unfold,” or something
else with that kind of meaningful quality?
If you would be more attracted to a man with a strong set of valued directions
guiding his actions and his life choices, doesn't it make sense that you should
become that sort of person yourself? There are many ways in which we naturally
attract people to ourselves who have a similar mindset and set of valued directions.
As we move through the various sections of this book, we will repeatedly be
returned to different variations of how this happens in real life.

Why Men Experience Relationships Differently
Let’s go back to talking about men for a moment. Men are not good at talking
about relationships. There's a reason for that. They haven't practiced very much.
15

You can get angry about this or you can just accept reality as it is. The most time
the average man spent talking about relationships was during the reluctant
conversations he had with his mother as she dragged him unwillingly through a
barrage of questions about the girl he seemed to like at age sixteen.
Women are so tuned in to relationships as a defining aspect of who they are and
how their life is going, they have a hard time believing just how clueless men can
be when it comes to defining what they want in life with respect to relationships.
Don't get me wrong. Men do want relationships. It's just that they don't think
about them and plan for them in the same way women do. There is an age when
men start to plan and think about relationships more but it is many years after
women have gone through several exasperating attempts to get a man to define a
relationship with them.
Since men are not focused on the idea of a relationship, what draws them into a
relationship is a raw and unfolding experience of being in your presence. Yes,
there's the physical/sexual attraction that plays an undeniable part in the drive men
experience to seek out the company of women, but unless all you want is a
physical relationship, you need to pay attention to how men experience
relationships as they unfold.
I've said it once, but you may have missed it because it seems too simple to be true.
So I'll say it again. Men experience relationships for what they are here and now.
They do much less planning and plotting about the future of the relationship than
women do. They are far less likely to define themselves and their well-being based
on the status of their current relationship.
So what does this mean? It means you are more likely to find fulfillment in
relationship with men if you keep in mind that their sense of fulfillment in a
relationship is very dependent on experiencing positive and uplifting emotions
when they are in your presence. Do you want to experience joyful feelings
because of the fun and rich relationship you are enjoying with a really good guy?
Then first invoke those positive feelings in yourself, and the rest will follow.
One of the mantras we will return to over and over in this book is that we tend to
be most effective in life when we deal with life as it is, rather than as we wish it
was. By choosing to work with the way men are (instead of the way you wish they
16

were) you will find fulfillment in relationships. The good news is that men do
grow into relationships, and start to value commitment, and even eventually define
themselves in the context of their relationships. But this takes far longer for them
than it does for you. In later stages of a relationship with a man, your job will be to
enrich your man's life by helping him to learn to think about what he wants in
relationships. Done in an open and optimistic way, men will respond to your clear
statements of what you are looking for.

Cultivating Magnetic Attraction:
There is no attractive force more powerful than the glow of positive feelings
radiating from a woman. When the focus of those positive feelings is directed at a
man, he melts. We don't typically use terms like “he melts” when referring to men.
But believe me when I tell you, in this case, the term applies. Men respond very
powerfully to loving appreciation from a woman.
There are a number of things that evoke positive emotions and attitudes. In this
section we will expand on our initial work with the concept of valued directions,
building your on attitudes and mentalities that will exponentially magnify your
attractiveness to the kind of men you want in your life.

Regain Your Confidence
What is it that you bring to a relationship with a man? What are you trying to give
to him? If you struggle to answer this question, consider what it is that you want
out of a relationship. Despite all of the differences between men and women, there
are far more commonalities than there are differences.
Relationships give us a feeling of meaning and connectedness. In healthy
relationships, our true aim is a feeling of fulfillment. We feel fulfilled when we
enjoy our partner’s company and the relationship enhances our life and enriches
our experience. So let me go back to the same question again. What are you
trying to give to him? What is it that you bring to a relationship with a man?
Before we go on, allow me to speak to the feminist in you. I don’t want you to
think you are somehow violating your feminist ideals by embracing the powerful
effect of a giving mentality with men. Feminism is good. It is a movement that
embraces the power and beauty of being a woman. Feminism is about reclaiming
what is good about being a woman. Rather than seeing women as second class
17

citizens living in man’s world, feminists claim their rightful status as equals,
because of who they are as one half of the natural expression of humanity.
The feminist movement was never meant to make women into men. Although
some have twisted it in that way, to do so invalidates the natural expression of who
women are in the unique goodness inherent in being a woman. Men are not better
than women, so why would embracing your female qualities mean you need to
become more like a man?
That would seem to imply that men are better, which they are not. Men and
women complement each other. It is actually our differences that cause us to
become attracted to each other. If you can cultivate qualities of loving devotion
toward the men you date, you will be drawing out the very best a man has to give
to you in return.
One of the most ancient concepts known is embodied in the symbolism of Yin and
Yang, or complementary opposites. The idea is that wholeness and complete truth
can best be understood by observing the balance between opposing forms of life
energy. The analogy is useful when considering the unique qualities of men and
women and how they cause attraction BECAUSE of the differences between them.
So as a first step toward building your confidence, allow me to remind you that
you do not need to be anything other than what you already are to be attractive to
men.

Your feminine (Yin) energy naturally complements and attracts his masculine
(Yang) energy. When you find a woman who fully embraces her feminine
qualities, you find a woman who is pulling at the heartstrings of men. This is a
form of power. Don't be afraid of it. Embrace your feminine qualities and enhance
18

them so that your confidence about who you are increases, especially when it
comes to dealing with men.
Now let's go back to the question about what you bring into his life and what it has
to do with feeling confident. Let me illustrate the power of focusing on what you
can give. Imagine that you see a very attractive man who appears to have all of the
qualities you would want to see in a dating prospect. Let's set the scene in an
airport where you are waiting at the gate in preparation for your plane to board.
He's sitting alone and you figure he's probably heading to the same destination, so
there's a good chance he lives in the same region as you. As you begin to think of
ways to introduce yourself, your palms begin to sweat. You're approaching the
situation as if you need something from him and have to gain his permission to get
it.
Now contrast this with a situation where you see the same man walking away from
his seat with his carry-on, and you notice that he left his smart phone lying on the
chair. You pick up the phone and briskly walk after him, doing what it takes to
catch his attention. In this situation, you don't feel anxious. Being assertive in this
situation feels natural, because you're not asking for anything. You're trying to
give him something. You know that by catching his attention and interacting with
him he has something definite to gain.
This is the mentality that I want you to develop when it comes to interacting with
men in general. You have a lot to offer them. You are trying to bring something
of extremely high value into his life. It's worth way more than a phone. Start
thinking of yourself as a person who is giving him something of great value. By
bringing, initiating a positive interaction, you are bringing something valuable into
his life. You are giving, not taking. Maintain this mental stance regardless of
whether you end up clicking or not.
Let's review. We feel more confident when we approach any interaction with the
mentality that we are trying to give something of value to someone else. The next
step is to develop a kind of quality in your interactions that will support your
growing belief in the value you bring to any interaction. One of the most powerful
ways to increase the fun of an interaction, both for him and for you, is to cultivate
the quality of true “presence.” The quality of interaction with someone who is
19

mentally here and now is something that people can sense, and it has multiple
benefits.

End of Preview Chapters

Get the Complete System:

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What Men Secretly Want

1

James Bauer
What Men Secretly Want - Edition 1.7

2

Not Medical Advice
Nothing on this website constitutes, or is meant to constitute professional
advice of any kind. If you require advice in relation to any legal, financial,
psychological, or medical matter you should consult an appropriate
professional.
Be Irresistible offers content on the topic of relationships and dating for
entertainment purposes. As our products are for entertainment purposes
only, they are NOT to be considered as legal, medical, psychological or
professional advice
By purchasing our products or using our website, you must agree that
James Bauer is NOT providing you with any medical or psychological
counsel.

3

Table of Contents

The Single Most Powerful Factor ................................................................. 8
The Difference That Makes All the Difference.............................................. 9
"But I Don't Disrespect Him!" ......................................................................12
“So what do I do about it?” .........................................................................13
Your Secret Barometer for Success .............................................................17
He Craves Your Respect ..............................................................................18
How Your Appearance Affects His Emotions ...............................................25
My Guy Doesn't Seem to Care That Much about All This Respect Stuff ......26
Double his desire for a committed relationship ..........................................29
Why do men pull away in the first place? ...................................................31
What you should do when he pulls away ....................................................34
You Deserve the Best ..................................................................................39
The Respect Principle In Practice ................................................................40
Stop Being Interesting and get interested: How your interest level can
attract guys like a magnet. ..........................................................................59
Some Essential Background Knowledge ..............................................61
From Theory to Application.................................................................65
Forget about Being Interesting............................................................67

4

You Can't Fake Sincerity ......................................................................69
What if… .............................................................................................75
Get a Guy to Commit: Increase Attraction While Setting Standards ...........76
The Good News ...................................................................................78
Here’s Where I Stand ..........................................................................79
What If This Scares Him Away? ...........................................................82
Draw Him In ........................................................................................83
A New Experience ...............................................................................85
How to unlock his emotions and get him to open up. .................................88
Invite, Don't Force...............................................................................90
Two languages ....................................................................................91
What Do You Want?............................................................................92
The Story .............................................................................................93
The Method ......................................................................................100
How can you find Quality Men? ................................................................103
Where to Meet Quality Men Worth Dating ..............................................104
The Active Ingredients for Your Love Potion .............................................105
First, Add Propinquity ...............................................................................108
Next, Get Specific ......................................................................................109
Why You Must Get Extremely Specific ......................................................112

5

Meet Your Avatar......................................................................................113
Markers of a Quality Venue ......................................................................119
How to Create Your Own High Quality Venue ...........................................123
Places and Situations to Avoid ..................................................................126
Avoid Large Groups of Exclusively Female Friends ....................................127
Be Approachable.......................................................................................128
Should I Avoid Internet dating sites? ........................................................130
Finding Men Summary ..............................................................................131
The End? Nope .........................................................................................134

6

Important – Your Members Only eZine
The support eZine is a big part of this program. You can expect a great deal of
information and frequent updates from me. You should already have been
added to our eZine.
But, if you are not getting emails from me, we need to fix that. You can go and
get yourself exclusive membership here:
www.beirresistible.com
Also, be sure and check your spam folder, very frequently my first email gets
sorted there.

7

The Single Most Powerful Factor

Discover the Single Most Powerful
Factor That Will Determine Relationship
Success (and how you can control that
factor)
If you find yourself in a relationship, this guide will offer you a powerful
method to ensure the relationship flourishes and lasts. One of the worst
feelings in the world hits when you’re in a seemingly healthy and happy
relationship, only to find the man pulling away for reasons that don’t make
sense. While your friends and family can console you and offer advice, this
guide will open up your eyes
and show you things you've
never thought of before. I
hope you'll experience a
relationship epiphany and gain
insight into the confusion
you've faced throughout your
dating experiences.

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard a number of different explanations on how
men and women differ in their thoughts, motivations, hormones, drives
and interests. Scientists and authors typically fail to reveal the immense
8

importance of one particular difference between men and women. This
guide explains one of the most powerful key ingredients for connecting
with a man on a deep emotional level and offers insight into his thoughts
and motivational drives. Let's get started.

The Difference That Makes All the Difference
I’m sure it’s no secret to you that men typically struggle at explaining all of
their complex emotions and feelings. One of the most powerful driving
forces men feel is caused by their high testosterone levels. And no, I'm not
talking about their sex drive (though that too is influenced by testosterone).
I'm talking about something that saturates his mental and emotional
experience to such an extent that he would have a hard time explaining it
to you, because he doesn't even realize it's there.
It’s as if you tried to point out water to a fish that had lived its entire life
swimming in the deep blue sea. If the man has never experienced anything
different, then he has no frame of reference that allows him to perceive the
presence of something.
Put yourself in his shoes. You have an ever present drive and need for
something in particular, but you've never particularly noticed it because it's
always been there and you've never known anything different. Now add
another factor. You're not a woman, so you didn't grow up practicing
emotional expression as your primary way of socializing with other people.
It's for these reasons that you’ve grown up around men your whole life but

9

never understood the incredibly powerful
effect behind their need for respect.
What comes next is critical for you to
understanding the rest of this guide. If given
a choice, men would rather be respected

If given a choice, men
would rather be
respected than loved.

than loved. You may think you know what
that means, but read on to discover how
radically different men experience the idea of respect in the context of
their relationship with you.
Shaunti Feldhan’s survey research echoed the same results that constantly
crop up; men crave respect even more than love. What I found particularly
fascinating about Feldhan’s research was the challenge she faced when
designing her survey questions. Men couldn’t understand the difference
between the two options they were given. The survey asked which of two
undesirable options the men would choose if they had to select one:
Would they rather feel…
1.) Alone and unloved in the world?
Or…
2.) Inadequate and disrespected by everyone?
Many of the surveyed men were confused because they couldn’t determine
a difference between the two. Think of the implications of that. Now

10

consider that even with this confusion, 74 percent of men answered that
they would rather feel unloved than disrespected!

Men Equate Respect With Love. Without Respect
They Do Not Feel Loved

I love
him
So I
show
respect
He feels
loved.

Example: Because you love him you show, you him respect. Ultimately, this
makes him feel loved.

11

"But I Don't Disrespect Him!"
Just to clarify, I know you don't actually disrespect him. If you did, you
wouldn't be pursuing a relationship with him and worrying about how it's
going to turn out. What we're talking about here is the complex and
unique “male” perception of respect. It's not that you're wrong or that he's
right to feel disrespected. Rather, I'm approaching this topic from the
assumption that you would like to have the power to influence the way he
experiences his relationship with you. From that perspective, I'm focusing
on what you can do to send the message you want him to receive. Of
course, we could just as easily work on helping him to understand your
perspective, but this guide is for women, so my focus is on empowering
you.
What if I told you that I want you to meet a friend of mine because I think
the two of you would be perfect together? After you undoubtedly pepper
me with questions about the guy, what if I told you I knew for sure that he
would love you, but I also knew for sure he would never show you that he
loved you? Would you be interested? I hope not. You deserve better than
that. Consider that for men, knowing in
your own mind that you have respect for
him is not enough.
Would you be satisfied if you were with a
really great guy who never said he loved
you and never showed that he loved you?

12

What if you confronted him about this and his response was, "What’s your
problem? I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you, so that's proof
enough. Get off my back!" My point is this. Basic human respect is not
sufficient for a man to feel truly loved by the one person in the world that is
supposed to be most special to him.

“So what do I do about it?”
While talk isn't enough with love, you can make a lot of progress in the
right direction simply by making a point of telling someone that you love
them. Unfortunately, this doesn't work as well when it comes to respect.
You cannot simply tell him, "I really respect you." It just doesn't work the
same way. Fortunately, there are some easy ways to learn how to turn on
his emotional attachment switch by gracefully adding respect into your
communication patterns.

Here's the thing. Underneath all the bravado and
displays of confidence, men feel a deep insecurity that
they will never discuss openly.
In the womb, men's brains are saturated with testosterone. During the first
year of life their genetics continued the masculinization of their brains by
manufacturing high levels of testosterone similar to those seen in teenage
boys during their growth spurt. Then the testosterone levels decrease
during a quiet phase before surging again when they hit adolescence. The
effect of this powerful hormone is far-reaching. Among the changes it

13

evokes in the human brain is
sensitivity to social hierarchy, a strong
drive to obtain recognition and
respect, and instincts for exploration,
adventure, and practical
accomplishments.
As a result, men are far more sensitive to any slight to their sense of
competence. I'm sure you've experienced this on countless occasions,
whether a man grew frustrated after losing a game, or became defensive
when fighting for the check at a restaurant. They are highly sensitive to
unspoken pecking orders that form within social groups. In fact, you can
measure a man's testosterone level before putting him together with a
group of men and sending him out on a boat together for several days.
When they come back, the pecking order established through the normal
socialization of the men will have caused shifts in the men's testosterone
levels. All the men will have an initial surge in testosterone because of
being thrust into a new social situation without an established pecking
order. This will cause them to be more focused on achievement, more
aggressive and less emotionally sensitive in their pursuit of goals.
However, those who end up at the bottom of the pecking order will
experience a decrease in testosterone while those who end up toward the
top of the pecking order will experience an increase.. It's a hormone that
guides the drive to serve as a leader and to achieve success in pursuing
goals.
14

Even though it doesn’t always seem this way, men do care deeply about
relationships. But throughout these relationships, men face the fear of not
measuring up. This is why so many women complain about husbands who
refuse to pull over and ask for directions when they are lost.
When a woman suggests,
"You don't know where you're

going. Wouldn't it be easier

just to stop at this gas station and ask for directions?"
She inadvertently crushes her man's feeling of competence.

His feelings of insecurity emerge, and that's where the anger or the silent
treatment comes from. His experience of the interaction is very different
than you would expect. He doesn't hear a simple helpful comment about a
solution. Rather, on an emotional level he feels sick to his stomach because
he thinks you see him as a failure.
His experience of looking for a location without asking for directions has a
lot to do with the adventure of it. He wants to conquer the experience, so
to speak. Men have a strong need for independence, which comes with a
desire to accomplish goals, no matter how small they might seem. As a
result, he would much rather spend time driving around in circles and end
up feeling accomplished and satisfied for having done it himself. He’d
prefer to spend hours tinkering in the garage with the wrong set of tools
than take his bicycle to a professional repair shop.
15

So what do you do with this information? Is he just being immature when
he refuses to stop and ask for directions? Should you point that out and
tell him to suck up his pride? That's up to you. I can only tell you about the
results you’ll achieve depending on which path you take.
If you decide that the extra fifteen minutes of driving circles is worth more
than a deep and satisfying relationship with your man, at least you made
that choice with eyes wide open.

However, if you want to nurture him for who he is
(rather than the man you think he should be) you will
awaken the hero within him.
He will want to protect you and love you. He will want to defend you and
keep you from harm. You will have unleashed the true man within that his
instincts call him to be. He wants to be successful. He wants to be
powerful. He wants to be
respected. When he finds himself in
an interpersonal environment that
allows him to feel these things, he
wants more of that experience. He
will crave spending time with you.

16

Your Secret Barometer for Success
Do you think it’s reasonable for a woman to cry during an argument with
her boyfriend when she is truly upset? You probably wouldn't think twice
before answering “yes” to this question, offering a story of your own to
back up your reasoning. Do you think it’s appropriate for a man to get
angry and blow up during an argument with his girlfriend? Many people
are on the fence with this one. Shouldn't he have better self-control?
Psychologists have finally overcome the archaic tendency to think of men
as “normal” and women as a variation on the human species. They’ve
started studying men as one unique version of the population. In the
process, we’ve started learning about both the good and the bad features
of masculine traits, aggression being one of them.

The most common cause of anger for men is a feeling
of disrespect.
Their definition of disrespect is rather broad, and men feel disrespected far
more often than you might imagine. When asked by third-party observers
what is bothering them during arguments, men often point out indications
of disrespect from their lover rather than any aspect of the actual issue at
stake. They don’t use the word “respect,” but the components they point
out reflect that as the primary concern.
Here's the good news. The easiest way to learn the subtle nuances that
create feelings of disrespect for your man is to simply pay attention to any

17

indication of agitation or anger. When he seems irritated, there's a good
chance he's feeling disrespected in some way. The most common reaction
from women when they feel unloved is crying. Does it surprise you to learn
that the most common reaction from men when they feel disrespected is
anger?
Does this put his anger in a slightly different light? If he starts staring
straight ahead and giving short responses, he's angry. If he's angry, try to
filter the interaction through the lens of respect (the way men think of it).
Because each man is different, this will become your fastest and most
trustworthy path to learning the particular vulnerabilities and insecurities
your man has that cause him to feel disrespected and, as a result, unloved.

He Craves Your Respect
It’s not just a neutral regard for his rights as a human that he craves. A
man's heart desires a deeper level of respect. I’d be going too far to say
that he wants to be revered as powerful and effective. He wants to be
taken seriously as a capable provider who has many talents and skills. This
is simply how he is made. Forget about the old saying "the key to a man's
heart is through his stomach." The real key to his heart AND to his mind is
showing him respect.

18

You'd be surprised how sensitive he is to indications that you respect
another man more than him. A simple statement of fact can often create a
palpable sensation of defeat in your man.
For example: You may be simply pointing out reality when you remind him
that he's not much of a handyman so he should call his landlord about the
loose handle on the front door.
You're just trying to be helpful and supportive, but he experiences this
comment as a challenge to his competence. A very simple adjustment to
the statement can make it palatable to him and demonstrate the respect
that you hold for him.
Instead of insulting him, say it like this,

"I'm sure you could eventually figure it out yourself. You always
seem to succeed at things when you keep your mind focused on it
long enough. But don't you think that your time is too valuable to
spend on a project like that when you could just get the landlord
to send his handyman down to do it?"
That's what I'm talking about when I say you need to show your respect for
your man. It's not just an assumption that you carry around in your mind.
Because he's so sensitive to this issue, you actually have to show him that
you respect his “abilities” as a man.

19

Please be careful with this knowledge. Deep knowledge of the inner
workings of another person yields the power to influence them in both
positive and negative ways. It may seem like it goes without saying, but the
effect is so devastating that I must make a point of saying it nonetheless. If
you purposefully humiliate him in a way that exposes his deep fear that he
is an imposter as a man and not a true provider or a capable person, you
will irreparably damage your relationship with him. Don't do it, even in a
moment of anger. Lock this information away and only use it as part of
your desire for a beautiful relationship with a man. This new understanding
is not a weapon and it’s not a method for abuse. Don't think of it that way,
and never use it that way.
It really doesn't take much at all to bring out the best in your man by
feeding him the diet of respect that allows him to thrive. All you have to do
is take the things you already say to him and sprinkle a little bit of respect
on the top.
I find the easiest and fastest way to learn a new skill is by observing
examples. For that reason, I will teach you how to transform typical
phrases into comments that actually show your man just how much you
respect him.

20

Normal

Better

"That was a great movie! They

“I really enjoyed that movie! You

picked a great cast too. The guy

know how to show a girl a good

whoplayed the Galen character was

time."

a real heartthrob."
"This is taking forever with the

"You know this area pretty well.

traffic. We're never going to get

There's not another route with less

there on time at this rate. Don't you

traffic is there?"

think there's a faster way?"
[Speaking within earshot of your

“He does some kind of complex

boyfriend to one of your friends] “He

computer related work. I don't

plays with computers for a living.

really know the details of it, but I

Yeah, I don't think his boss is going

know they need him there unless he

to let him off work for that.”

can give more notice before taking
time off."

"You're really going to make me

"You are so sweet. I don't want to

dinner? Should we order some

get in your way, but let me know if I

Chinese food as backup in case it

can help with anything."

doesn't go as well as you expect?"

21

As a socially savvy woman, you can probably pick out the elements of very
subtle challenges to his manhood that he might experience in each of the
everyday examples above. Remember, this exercise is about understanding
just how sensitive his disrespect sensors can be.
In the first example, he will automatically and unconsciously assume that
your comment means he does not measure up to other men in terms of
attractiveness. You said nothing of the sort, but he will experience it this
way despite his logic telling him that you were just making normal
conversation.

Remember, his experience with you is what will drive
his desire to seek out more time and commitment in a
relationship with you.
In the second example, the comment calls his judgment into question.
Second guessing his decisions and his judgment are a sure way to create a
feeling of subtle disrespect. Men want to be perceived as competent
leaders. They want your suggestions and feedback, but they want it
delivered in a way that makes them feel that you believe in them and trust
their decisions. That's why the "better" response embeds the suggestion of
an alternate route in a compliment about his knowledge of the area. It may
seem silly to you, but to men this kind of implied compliment makes them
feel really good. Don't be afraid to fluff him up a bit! You want him to do
the same for you and nothing feels better than a compliment.

22

The third example hits two important factors: the way you speak to others
about him and his role in the hierarchy of the men and women he interacts
with. While it may seem like nothing more than a funny way to say you're
not sure what he does at work, the choice of words in this example can
make a man feel insignificant.
Remember, in his heart he secretly wants you to be in awe of him.

When he overhears you putting him down (in his
mind) to a friend, he will begin slipping away from
you emotionally, distancing himself as a defense
mechanism to avoid emotional pain.
Keep up the insults, and you can be certain the relationship will gradually
lose the original romance and intensity with which it began.
Men are blindly obsessed with hierarchy, even if they're not fully conscious
of it themselves. The third comment likely would not trigger any negative
feelings in a woman. For a man, his disrespect radar will pick up an
indication that he is subservient to his boss and is forced to ask permission,
like a child, if he wants time off. Your man doesn't want you to think of him
in that way. He would rather you think of him as a responsible and capable
man in charge of his own life. He wants you to think of his boss as nothing
more than a colleague with whom he has a business relationship.. By
rephrasing the comment in a way that highlights his importance to the
company, you'll pump up his male ego and win his charming side for the

23

evening. He'll probably also be much more willing to play along with your
friends, showing them what a great catch you found.

When you show him these subtle forms of respect, he
will respond with greater happiness and greater
investment in his relationship with you.
In the fourth example, the original comment was meant to be taken lightly.
For some men, this comment would be fine and they would actually enjoy
it as a form of playful banter. You have to know your man and his level of
self-esteem. That said, you can't go wrong with the second version of that
comment, while the first version may generate a very subtle negative
reaction in his emotional world. Don't question his competence, even if
you think it's in an area that
should mean nothing to him.
We’re not talking about logic
here; we're talking about the
emotional reactions that you
invoke in your man. Not to
mention, the more positive you
are about his cooking, the more
often you'll come home to dinner on the table!

24

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